Sunday, March 27, 2005

24

Phew! 24 years. Still got many rivers to cross. I want to write more but I have a dull headache. Well, birthdays!

I think I miss something in my life...

I had planned that I'll try to write at least one line every day leading to my 25th birthday but guess that won't be possible.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Here they come, the beautiful ones...

So I've been thinking about a few things lately. And mostly laughing and smiling... The life of a manic depressive.

The highs and the lows.
The valleys and the moutains.
The crests and the troughs.

That's the beauty of life. To be riding these waves like a maniacal surfer and then getting washed ashore like the pieces of a shipwreck.

When I joined dA, I joined it because I wanted some technical comments on my work. It wasn't because I wanted to be judged for what I did. No one likes that. Did I judge anyone? No. Did I judge the thoughts and the feelings that someone put into what they did. No, I did not but why do I feel that I'm being judged for these very same things. I put my works here so as to be judged for their artistic merit and not for the subjects themselves. If you don't know me and if you're not God, please do not judge me. I don't like it. It makes me feel smaller than I actually am. It makes me afraid of my own shadow. Makes me want to hide somewhere never to be found again.

I get scared easily. All these sad feelings lurking, lying in wait to pounce on me. Sadness scares me like anything. I'm afraid of it just like kids are scared of the bogeman. I actually feel like it's sitting under my bed and I just can't put my legs down because it will come and get me.

Enough of this. I'm happy right now and enjoying it. Happy without any reason and those who've felt this way know that it's like being on a high (whatever that means). Anyway, I don't think happiness actually needs some reason. You just need to create that place inside your head. Yes, lately, I've realized I love a lot many people. In fact, almost everyone I come across I find myself loving. It's never been easier than it is now. I feel like telling them, yes, I love you. Yes, I do, I do. Again, feel scared of being misinterpreted in this modern world. What a beautiful world it is! No, I'm not being sarcastic. I mean it. Being sick has had this affect on me. In fact, I think this tirade is partly motivated by the sickness.

That's another thing I hate apart from sadness; sickness! Being sick makes me sick. Then there's the L word: Loneliness. I had been lonely for a bit. Yes, for a while I was. I've come to this conclusion (maybe others have too, before me) that being alone sucks. It's the worst thing in the world. You realize soon enough that you're not an island. I kept getting a picture of "The Man Who Loved Islands" by D.H. Lawrence. Often, I've pictured myself as that man and that thought runs shivers down my spine. No more lameduck thoughts for me.

So, what should I say now? Guess, I started thinking again. LOL! Too much thinking and then the thoughts go away. Dissipate. Vanish. Just like ether. I think I'll finish this on the fact that I'm in love. Never found it easier. Never been in love this much and it feels good to be in love with so many people and things.

"Love... love is strange...
Many people take it for a game..."

So, beautiful ones, keep coming so I have more to love.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Poem For Cornelia

Mar 9, 2005

Poem For Cornelia

You looked sad when I first saw you through the window
But then I looked into those eyes, the windows to your soul.
In them I saw a universe taking birth
In them I saw a world taking shape.
In you I saw the changing of seasons.
I saw Autumn change into spring; I saw you blossom
with the plum, cherry and almond blossom trees.
I saw what you could not see and now I know you will see it too
The coming of your spring, for eternity.

Monday, March 07, 2005