Sunday, December 21, 2008

Down Again

I've been away for some time now. Don't have my PC here. Still haven't found a place for myself so I'm getting on the nerves (I think, they deny) of the people I'm living with (very good family friends).

There's no Internet access for us (as in the new hires) for now and I don't want to be caught on blogger in the office anyway.

It's been tiring but fruitful. I'm learning new things. They're not just about the workplace but generally so much. I feel like a small town girl (not a good feeling) but I'm integrating (or pretending to?) quite well.

Of course, among all the great big positives that should make one feel like flying is that one nagging little negative that brings one down.

I'm coming close to the date of 1 year and the dread that's unfolding in my heart feels palpable in the night, when I've only got my thoughts to sleep with.

It's too bad that I can't go anywhere because I've to follow the rules of the house I live in. Living here hasn't been bad but I've discovered some things, which I had rather not.

Sometimes I feel like I'll throw up with the burden of secrets I have to keep now.

I'm beginning to hate myself a little again.

As I think about the one year anniversary coming up, I can't help but go over all the mistakes I made. Dumb mistakes, stupid, childish mistakes.

On the other hand, I've realized that if someone didn't want something, they'd reject it just because they didn't want it no matter how perfect it was. You might try to point out mistakes in that perfect thing, just for your satisfaction that perhaps you didn't do it right but it's not that.

Life is presenting me with unprecedented difficult choices and I'm as confused as you Mother. In fact, I know you're more confused than I am or ever could be.

You still asked me if I missed him. I don't know how to thank you for all your kindnesses. I can't ever thank you enough. I can't even begin to thank you for forgiving me so easily.

You are my mother and you love me and we fight with each other and you still love me.

He wasn't my mother. He couldn't stay. His mother is not you, mother. No one's mother is you, mother.

I miss you but when I'm with you, I hide in my shame.

My heart dies every time I can't say it out loud that I'm dying and I'm sorry I didn't tell you.

Tonight when I saw this picture from a Christmas party, shining, smiling faces, it made my heart wither. I go like a widow in this life.

I wonder why?

Why can't I feel anything when someone looks at me nicely? Nothing in me responds anymore. I've died before my actual death.

When I think how all that will come down on you mother, it kills me more. I never want you to forgive me because I neither deserve forgiveness nor love. I don't deserve kindness. I deserve all the punishment I can get. I deserve the burdens of people's secrets. I deserve the coldest and the hottest hell fires.

Sometimes by my stupid mistakes, I find that no one cares and I don't know why I get hurt. I know that but every time I find it again, I get hurt all over again.

You care mother. You care.

No one else does. I'm not their anything.

Why do I care then if it's so simple?

Maybe I'm just mad.

I'm hoping that the act of making cauliflower with the utmost love and affection would get me a punishment that's unbelievable. Cauliflower that he didn't like.

Did I repel him? My air? Perhaps my everything.

So may nothing of me be left in this world. The repulsive being be gone from this world, far far away.

Mother, I only hope that you will forgive me.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Kidney for Sale!

So it's okay to sell my kidney now if I want to get something that I need.

It's not a thing that I ever thought of but thanks for giving me this great idea. Better use whatever I can before it becomes redundant.

Since I can sell a kidney and survive on one, nothing wrong with selling blood either. Too bad my blood does not benefit anyone because I'm sick but since it's not even dangerous, I think it should be okay.

Come to think of it, you can grow a liver with just a piece. So I guess, that's another thing I can sell: a piece of my liver.

Selling all this 'stuff' wouldn't put anyone in jeopardy. I think there will still be much left for my organ donation when I die.

Eyes, heart and God knows what else.

I suppose it's a win win situation if ever a person saw one. Thank you for this excellent idea. I salute your genius and kindness.

Lost Lamb

After spending a week in Lahore, I came back home for the Eid holiday. There's no doubt in my mind, at least for now, that I made a good decision and that I have a good job.

But there's something wrong. It went wrong when I moved to England.

Tonight I want to admit to myself that I didn't move for studies but moved for love.

I made a fool out of myself and I lost myself.

Something went wrong. I stopped being with my friends; I stopped responding. I didn't want to. I didn't even realize if I did or didn't.

I thought I'd found some direction but I became directionless. I thought I discovered myself but I lost so much that I can not ever recover, least of all the time that has slipped through my fingers.

I didn't build myself a hermitage but I did live in one. I drifted so aimlessly that it's going to take me some time to find myself.

I lost my home.

I lost and lost and lost.

I didn't even gain any significant wisdom, just bitterness and a thought that I would not be loving again.

More thoughts that I would never have children. The thought of them abhors me and I love them and want to protect them but my own children shall never be.

For a brief period of time, I felt like a woman. I wanted to be settled, I wanted to have kids. That was like a big stain on my mind. I don't know how I removed that stain. I'll never have children.

Someone might force me to get married but no one will ever be able to force me to have children.

I drifted like a ghost in the world's busiest city. I wept stupidly on the bank of the Thames. I wanted to jump in but I didn't want to ruin my expensive business suit.

I wondered if I was just making excuses to continue a stupid existence.

I still wonder.

I didn't use so many I's then because I was gone and it seems now as if someone else controlled me.

Whom had I become then? How did I reach that place?

I lost myself with help but ultimately it was I that lost me.

Sitting lost on New Street Station, weeping quietly and looking for that one familiar face, which I would never find, I was like a lamb. The guards looked into my eyes and so wouldn't confront me.

No one acknowledges lost lambs. There's no one to lead a lamb anymore.

So I'm in a new big city. I'm still lost. I think I've found my anchor by seeing so many things in the first week that told me to be a child.

Be a stupid child and something inside me told me to pray or else I'll be lost forever. I can crawl on all four and walk blind but at least be in the right direction.

Something is telling me to find my faith and maybe that will give me legs to stand on again.

Everything is wrong and I'm not going to try to make it right anymore because I can't.

I don't know if I can ever be sure that I was the only one in love but nowadays, I suddenly discover something and it tells me that I was.

I'm standing somewhere and I'm fine and then I'll start crying and realize I was never loved but something wants me to say it out loud that at least you've been loved. I was the one who loved you.

Now I don't know what love is. I'm confused and I tell myself that maybe I did not.

I blame myself because I get confused. I didn't do this or I didn't do that. Maybe I should have ruined myself further and put myself through more trials than I did. Maybe then I wouldn't be an image of the person I used to be.

I'm not sure at all anymore. I know that I forgave but I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself.

I don't think I can, when I murdered my dreams in connivance with the person who claimed to love me.

All I know is that I'm still a lost lamb. What I don't know is if I'm a lamb lost forever and for good or if I can be found.

I feel bad for the lost lamb that is me. Between pot smokers and acid trippers and drinkers and people who think they're prostitutes and people to whom I've to prove that I'm asexual, I feel like I will reach new heights of madness...

If only I start praying again, I won't.

The only thing that stops me is the fear of finding myself.

And the thought of the fear when I stop loving you.

Because when I do stop loving the fool that I loved is the day I will lose the small fight for life I've got left in my bones. My lungs won't ache with the effort to draw in life.

The fear is because I don't want to die. I haven't even felt loved.

I wish you would have loved me. I begged you, I think, I did.

Too bad it doesn't matter anymore.

I wanted to be like you and maybe a part of me will. I enjoy the fantasizing about exercising power over people who are fools like I used to be; people who think they're going to get me like someone actually did.

Lost lamb or should I be lost wolf in sheep's clothing? So I need faith to help me. I need faith to stop me from being a monster that I love and loathe because I won't have the same feelings if the monster is me.

I'm asking for faith.

So please God, return me to my faith. Today, I'm begging You for Your love.

I was wrong to beg stupid humans. They're all like me. Forgive me and grant me that I love only You. Protect me from sin and help me to not hurt anyone.

Take my life sooner if I ever come near to hurting someone like I was.

Lead the lost lamb to Your mercy and love.

Lead the lost lamb to Yourself God.

Save my soul and spread the dust of my body everywhere so that it touches your dust and mixes with it finally and try as you might, you can't separate it from yourself.

I loved you more than my life and gave what wasn't mine to give; perhaps being lost is punishment and perhaps I should take it.

The only thing that I ask for again is to have my soul saved because it used to belong to a good person even if that person is dead.