Saturday, November 29, 2008

I'm leaving because you want me to go

Something I wrote in '97. Full of teenage angst but I read it after so many years and though it meant something else back then it's taken a real meaning to me now. Nothing poignant here. Just lots of passive aggressive anger (I feel quite so nowadays).

You don't have to say with your mouth
Because your eyes are speaking.
You don't have to say it in words
all that's on your mind;
I know you want me out.
You ask me why I'm going away?
I'm leaving because you want me to go.
I'm leaving because (I know
how much) you hate me.
I never took it to my heart
whatever you said
Because I always thought
that you might always be right.
I made myself believe all the time
that I was wrong.
Yes, I was wrong. I think I was.
But just about myself.
You ask why I'm leaving now?
I'm leaving because you want me to go.
I'm leaving because (I know
how much) you hate me.
When I used to see you grieve
My heart would burn and bleed.
I would feel like it was my pain.
But I guess your feelings for me
were washed away in the rain.
Or I guess
that they just weren't there before.
So now I can't
waste my life with you anymore.
You ask then why I'm going away?
I'm leaving because you want me to go.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Hair there, everywhere; goodbye!

So after thinking about it for quite some time, I've decided I need to cut my hair as it's not going to last anyway. I know I'm going to actually cry and weep over it once the deed is done. I've had long hair since I was 7. It's a been a good journey.

I always used to think about cutting my hair when I was angry. True to my tradition of taking all the anger on my body, this was the first thing I used to do. I always used to say, okay, calm down and if you still think you need to cut them then go ahead. Obviously, I didn't.

So I'm feeling so weird. I thought I should take a picture of them for posterity. I asked my brother (bless his sweet little heart) to take a picture of them and he did, though he kept saying it was a bit difficult to get them all into the viewfinder. So I allowed him to arrange them as he pleased, which obviously he didn't do too well.

Nonetheless, looking at the pictures later is going to make me feel weird as it is now. I'm also going to change the color though the stylist I consulted said the natural color was great and looking at it, it's really appealing to my eyes but I've told myself that I'm not going to make anymore excuses. I've noticed that my eyelashes have started to fall as well. It was the weirdest thing. I still don't know how to feel about it. I hope that I will die with dignity.

My almost 3 feet long mane

The color and the shape

So tomorrow by this time, they'll be gone. Bye bye my poor hair. Maybe they'll make a nice hairpiece out of it for some rich dude or lady. Who knows? If they had some donation service, I'd donate it but now it will go to the salon and I'm sure they'll really enjoy it.

The world is going mad with terrorist attacks and there are so many bad things but this evening I'm selfish and I just need to feel sorry for myself, just a little bit.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Take Her to the Christmas Dance

Inflections in your voice say you don't mean it. When you're steady, you're lying still.

When you want to act dumb, you ruffle your hair. What an endearing habit. How cute! I'm to forget that your eyes are scrutinizing me for weaknesses.

Your fingers try to find fissures and cracks, some hole to break open wider. When you don't find it, you get frustrated and leave me exposed and broken.

There's an opening in me but it's not normal because its not at the bottom.

It's right in the middle. How did you miss the gaping hole in me?

Like a black hole, it sucks the sunlight out of every sun and then eats it whole.

Just like my soul, going through spasmodic damnation.

How I hate these pockmarked surfaces, so then I wonder why I loved your face. I despise holes because they remind me of the emptiness.

No holes in my body but the one in the wrong place, right in the middle. A place where my soul used to be.

Extinguished, though not like the lights at dawn but like a life snuffed. Nip the evil in the bud, they say but the evil was left and the best and biggest part of me is gone.

No blazes of glory.

No fireworks.

No marching bands.

No gun salutes.

No mourning.

No dancing. No rejoicing.

So much silence. Such madness.

The morning, that short morning ended so suddenly.

I waited for night but it's always evening now. No one saw where the sun set. No one knows where the sun is. No one knows where the first ray of sunlight has gone.

The last ray is etched on my retina forever and ever and ever.

I prayed for it to end well.

It's ended. I don't know about well.

18. 11. 2008

Postscript: my name has a number of meanings and one of it is 'the first ray of sunlight' among others. No sunlight if there's no sun.


God, take my soul but don't put it into the flames of the hellfire. May this body perish as it would but may the soul live as it should.

God, renew my blackened heart. Remove the dark shadow of doubt from my soul. Make it pure as it was the day I was made.

God, help me in slaying the monster that has taken my body for its home. Shield my soul from its corrupting influence.

God, make me the guardian of my honor and be the Guardian of my soul. Help me root out the infestation of hopelessness.

16. 11. 2008

Thursday, November 20, 2008

And so...

...I finally came to a decision.

I had to but what drove me to the proper conclusion of my life's chapters until this point were a few things and I like to give credit where it's due.

First, I thankfully signed into blogger this morning right before I had to make a big commitment and here was a comment on my previous blog from Tuishimi (would I be wrong in saying he's a great friend?) and I realized that I did have to lay it all out on the table for me. I had to think about myself as long as it didn't hurt anyone.

Then a few things happened and I knew for sure what I had to do. I wasn't feeling confused; I wasn't feeling like the world was imploding beneath me anymore.

There comes a time in one's life when one has to make a choice and it's not just for oneself but also for others because one thing that I've learnt in life is that our choices do affect others whether we accept that or not.

There comes a time in one's life when one has to leave everything behind and start over/anew or just plain start somewhere.

This opportunity couldn't have come at a better time.

I feel sorry to say this now but for a couple of months, I've been planning to end everything before new year's eve. The low points (no singulars here) that I'd hit, not even snagging a bottom or at least something that would help me not slip off further was just not happening.

Self pitying and self loathing became so commonplace, it was just like second nature. Not wanting to do anything and waiting for someone to come and change my world was all I did do (because in the first instance, it did change for worse due to people; but on the other hand, I wonder how and why I gave them such complete rights over myself that it had to come to that).

It's not easy to want to end ones life. Planning it is even worse. I realized this morning that if I wanted to live beyond this December, wanted to not be a part of the non coveted 27 club, then I just had to make a change.

I also feel like I've burdened everyone with my presence far too long and it's time to give others a time out as well. The way I am right now, even I don't want to be near myself. I don't expect any better from my family, friends or the people in general.

I suppose it boosted my confidence to find out that I'd been called for an interview at a great company. Then I got a further ego boost when I got the job offer the very next day.

The only problem was whether I should or could move to another city especially a city that people from my city consider as a fast, heathen city full of sins and colors. Ah! Lahore, the city of my childhood, the cultural capital of Pakistan, the centre of modern drug usage for the refined.

So much negativity: where are you going to live; good for you; good on you; it's too far; why don't you teach, it's safe for 'ladies' (so condescending) ad infinitum ad nauseum.

Such a storm in my mind. So much conflict of interests for everyone else except me. It's about me but I don't figure anywhere. It becomes about everyone else's ego. Relatives from Karachi to Gilgit, from Massachusetts, USA to Birmingham, UK weigh in on it.
Then I read the message and I thought, this is nothing if not from God and God does channel through His people.

Being the least superstitious person in the world, I don't look for signs but today I did and I found them in places where I wasn't even looking.

I've said yes and soon I leave this city of love and hate.

Maybe things will be worse or maybe they'll be better or maybe they'll be the same but I won't be here to bother anyone and I won't have things bothering me. The nomad soul is restless anyway.

I won't have to turn corners thinking here's this memory and that. Worst of all, I'm too weak physically and emotionally to take anymore emotional abuse from things, people and (even) inanimate objects.

Never wanted to commit suicide, no. Never wanted to go like a coward and a fool.

Perhaps, now is my chance to redeem that never again.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

So Confused

I'm so confused. I don't know what to do.

Do right by myself (which I never do) for once or do right by everyone else and be sorry like always?

I wish it were that simple.

I'm so confused I could kill myself to end it all. My hands have this itch, extending all the way to the tips of my finger. The golden revolver with the ivory is so near, so very near. End it all and no confusion.

I just don't know what to do.

Help me.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Get Your Filthy Hands Off My Desert

Or How Green Was My Valley

So I'm going to Lahore tomorrow and I think it might be for good. Last time I went there alone like this, it was also a contemplative journey but I knew I'd come back. Not so sure this time.

Before I go and God knows when I'll be back, I just wanted to comment on how things are steadily going downhill in the city where I live. The city of Peshawar. Last night, we could hear the bombs falling.

On 12th November, Stephen D. Vance and his driver were slain by terrorists. A day before that an Iranian diplomat was kidnapped just as he was leaving his house. His driver was slain in the kidnapping. On 13th, journalists were fired at by terrorists.

Terrorists. Terrorists. Terrorists.

I've had it with all this. Somedays I wish I could give them the same. Say, come get some. The civilized part of me says how can you lower yourself to their level but the human part says, why? You can't talk to animals. You may train them but they're still animals.

The powers that be don't care about these animals and what they do to us. They're off on their fancy trips to New York or Hajj in the Kingdom (oh God) of Saudi Arabia or begging for oil and money, none of which will trickle down to the stupid masses.

How am I supposed to accept that these people are Muslims (even in name) when they don't accept the basic tenet of Islam that is tolerance?

On the other hand, no amount of condemnation will bring Stephen back to his wife or children. The poor driver, his kids and wife are going to be the worst. Fucking cursed Pakistanis. We're all cursed.

If you don't shake it off yourselves, no one's coming to help you take it away. You won't help yourself though. Just sit, drink your tea with 3 spoons of sugar and tsk! tsk! about how nice it used to be.

You've left nothing for me, for my generation.

Put us on a ship and sink it.

We can't take it anymore.

Saturday, November 15, 2008


Our story takes place in the ancient city of Bath, when the Romans were setting up the foundation of the modern city... not really. The city is ancient but it's eponymous ancient baths are under the trademark yellow cobblestones and pubs and shops.

Still, if you turn a corner, you might suddenly feel you saw Rome and then it vanished just like that.

I visited Bath at the beginning of this year with a Chinese friend of mine, as part of the University's annual trip program for students. It was just a day trip, most of which was spent traveling to and from Nottingham, so I just got to see the usual touristy places (something I don't enjoy but being a poor student, had to contend with).

It was drizzling when we got there and got colder and colder. Bath is a city to visit only when its sunny. Otherwise, due to all the limestone, it seems dreary and drab (err...).

Still, going with the mood, I don't think I missed the sun too much except when it got colder and colder.

It was somewhat difficult to take decent photographs as well and not just due to the rain but also because it was too busy, including the fact that the camera was borrowed as I didn't have a camera while I was in the UK.

This reminds (I'd forgotten to mention it in the York post) me to thank the Malaysian friend, who not only lent me her camera but also gave me a chance to visit York. The poor kid couldn't go and insisted I go in her stead. Thanks to her generosity, I not only visited York but it also pushed me to forget my finances for a while and just go see a few places before I left; though the only other place I saw after that was Bath (the last one before coming back).

Will post more pictures later.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Breakfast in Bed

Have tea and your
headache is gone.

your breakfast is ready,
honey and naan.

don't lick my fingers
We have 2 bottles and
a pot full of honeycombs.

stinky mouth, sticky mouth
all is fair in love
and morn.

by the way a woman called,
she says she loves you.


A poem that I (sort of) quote in many of my blog entries as well as in other writings, Solitude has been a favorite but unfortunately, I didn't know all the lines nor the author's name. So I thought I should google the lines and I came up with Ella Wheeler Wilcox. Here's the poem. How it fits the whole life scenario! Especially mine, right now.


Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone.
For the sad old earth must borrow it's mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own.
Sing, and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost on the air.
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.

Rejoice, and men will seek you;
Grieve, and they turn and go.
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad, and your friends are many;
Be sad, and you lose them all.
There are none to decline your nectared wine,
But alone you must drink life's gall.

Feast, and your halls are crowded;
Fast, and the world goes by.
Succeed and give, and it helps you live,
But no man can help you die.
There is room in the halls of pleasure
For a long and lordly train,
But one by one we must all file on
Through the narrow aisles of pain.

-Ella Wheeler Wilcox

How true! How true! But dying is really an act that must be carried alone as is birth. You might be surrounded by people but you are born alone and you die alone.

And sometimes, you even live alone. So I guess it shouldn't bother to make the final transition alone as well.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Die Taliban Die!

So it happens what I'd been fearing for quite some time now.

This morning's newspaper had a really beautiful picture of the inter-provincial games that were being held for the past few days in my city. These games were special for this hellish city as sportswomen participated freely from all over the country. A couple of years back the radicals had banned women from participating in sports in my city (not the rest of the country)(augh!).

So this photograph showed sportswomen engaged in an excellent game of volleyball.

Even since I'd come back, I'd known and felt that things were much worse in the country overall but worst in the province and my city and it was proven when there were major scale operations in the suburbs (!). Then the terrorists blew up an electricity grid, not just once but 3 times and the same one each time. Needless to say, it was horrible but nothing sort of what happened today had happened but I think most people anticipated it in a horrible way and it was only a matter of time.

To make a statement (of fear) as well as to target innocent people (as usual), the terrorist taliban blew up a car at about 1755 hrs Pakistan time, in front of the stadium's gates where the closing ceremonies for the games were being held. It happened just as the fireworks started.

So far, it's being said that 3 people have lost their lives and as many as 10 are in the hospital with serious injuries. My prayers are with them.

I wish I could do something but all I can say (and mean) is that we're not scared. Taliban, you're not Muslims, you do not follow the religion of Islam.

If you think you're going to heaven and get your virgins or whatever, you're wrong. If you think that God is just going to just let you in, you're wrong.

You murdered many of the people's leaders (we might not agree with them but we don't murder them), you killed innocent people who were just breaking their fasts, you murdered innocents, you displaced 1000s and turned them into homeless refugees in their own country, you made the whole world think we're responsible for your crimes, you made the world make us suffer much torment, because of you, bombs were rained on innocents, you made us lose our policemen, you made us lose thousands of our army men, you made a generation of orphans and widows.

Go back to the part of hell where you came from! Go back to hell, you bloody animals! Die! Die! Die!

I never curse anyone but may hellfire rain on these "$%+@#. Die assholes! May you all have a fire in your arsenal of suicide bombs and go to hell en masse and good riddance that would be. Hope you find your demonic virgins in hell.

P.s. I'd posted this earlier but took it down because I thought I needed to cool down.

Medicines Galore

I'm taking so many drugs now that it feels like I have a mini dispensary in my room.

Trying and Failing

I tried not to but I did and now I'm feeling so stupid. I also realized today that I'm actually a little bit mad, as in crazy mad. Not a very positive self discovery.

All day long, I tried to beat off these feelings of I have to. I told myself, no, I won't, because I knew I would end up feeling hurt because I'd been a fool. Here I am. I made a fool out of myself. I knew I wouldn't get a response and end up making an ass out of myself yet again. Anyone else would've killed themselves after being insulted so much, including being insulted by themselves.

I wish I could make myself understand that it's useless to love someone who doesn't love you back. I wish I could just give up on everything and life as well. I hate to fight anymore but I go on fighting.

I try, I fail.

Monday, November 10, 2008


I have this reminder service from Hallmark, which reminds me about holidays and birthdays (obviously).

As I just got online, I got this reminder about a birthday and it said it was xyz murgha's (murgha=rooster, just a nickname) birthday and hopefully I hadn't forgotten. Well, I couldn't have been able to if I'd tried, not that I did.

In any case, I'm beginning to hate these reminder services. What are they for anyway? Just to give you a guilt trip about things you want to forget or things you forgot. Huh!

Anyway, since there's nowhere to send a card anymore, I'm just going to send it to myself and pretend the person for whom it was intended is going to open it (am I turning into a psychonut? do I need a nutcracker?), then open it and pretend that the person is right there. I'm going to pretend that I was told that I was loved for this gesture.

Last night, I even thought that if things were like they are in a parallel universe, then I would've gotten monogrammed cuff links. Nifty, eh? But I know that last years present and card are still here and so am I.

That's what you get if you just imagine love. It's all in your head, which obviously makes you a nutter.

I've even planned a pretend birthday party. Obviously, the person's not going to show up but I'm just going to pretend they got stuck in traffic and wait.

Well, at least I'm going to be there and declare my love freshly.

Happy birthday, it's 10th November in the country of your birth.

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Happy Birthday

You ruined my trip but that was okay.

Then you ruined my life.

That wasn't.

In the end, everything's okay if you are. Others don't matter. Others like me. So have a very happy birthday. Hope you have a great day and a great life. Your life's good and hope it stays so.

Too much to Reject, Nothing to Accept

1. You have a fat neck.

2. You're too short.

3. You're not fair complexioned.

3. You can't cook that like my sister does.

4. My sister can cook everything.

5. My sister even knows how to cook xyz.

6. You have body hair but my sister doesn't.

7. You're too old.

8. Nobody knows you.

9. Nobody knows your parents.

10. You don't smell like my mother.

11. Girls like you can never be accepted by anyone.

12. Your smell stinks.

13. My parents can't accept you.

14. You're fat.

15. You're simply not like my mother.

16. You don't believe the same bullshit I do.

17. You're different.

18. I am unable to mould you to all my expectations.

19. It's not your fault; it's mine.

20. My sister is just better at everything.

21. I don't like the way you dress.

22. I'm too young.

23. I'm just a little kid.

24. Your breasts are too big.

25. Your butt is too big.

26. You're just too big.

27. You're not what I expected.

28. You just can't turn yourself into what I want you to be.

29. You're boring.

30. I can't talk to you about anything.

31. You look like a little girl.

32. You look like a man.

33. You're too much to handle.

34. You're not woman enough.

35. You're manly.

36. You're not like the women I know.

37. You're a eunuch.

38. You don't wear make up.

39. You don't think like women.

40. You're dumb.

41. You're a sinner.

42. Everything is your fault.

43. You whine all the time.

44. You're not up to my parents standards of perfection.

45. Your face is fat and ugly.

46. Your hands are too small.

47. I can't have children with a woman like you.

48. Your daughter is going to be lose like you.

49. You're a pig.

50. You're just not good enough for me.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Epic Win!

Obama has won.

I can go to sleep now.

Monday, November 03, 2008

With Bated Breath

So November 4th is on us. Those that are in the USA and able to vote should and must vote. Though it sounds cliched and somewhat dumb but you hold the world's fate in your hands. At least I'm watching with bated breath for people to make the right decision.

Of course, some of the things that I've been reading lately are so disappointing and feel like they're coming from illiterates or people who get their news from gossip only. I know that if I lived in the USA, my dad would be voting for McCain, if Palin wasn't his running mate.

On the other hand, I know the rest of the family would be voting for Obama. The thing, though, is that many in the USA think that Obama is a communist and a Muslim and terrorist etc.

Some might say a family like ours would support him because he's a Muslims. As a Muslim (okay, not a good one), I assure you that there's no secret follower thing in Islam. You can't be a Muslim secretly. Obama is not a Muslim if he says he's not. It matters not if his father was but if he isn't then he isn't.

Most importantly, I didn't know that being a Muslim was a. a sin, b. a crime c. a slur. Also, if I'm not wrong, by the Jefforsonian edict, religion is not important and this has also been enshrined in the US constitution. I'm sure there are many other Americans who may be called pagans by some, are also voting for Obama.

The other thing is very basic and I don't understand why people who are living right there in America don't know (or don't want to?). It is that the US Secret Service does extensive background checks on candidates etc. and so does the RNC and the Democratic Party.

It's true that in the beginning of any movement, it's the charisma that attracts but as that wears off, it's the character and the substance.

I read this open letter from someone claiming to be from the red states wanting to separate from the blue states (God forbid) because they supported Obama and said that they could keep all the black people. Another one was from a business owner who is going to fire all the Obama supporters in his organization if Obama wins. (Legally, it would just put him up for suits).

I get it about communism. It's all the leftovers from the McCarthy era but I don't get the racism and the hatred. I read things like it's not about race but in the same sentence, the person would mention the color of Obama's skin or something to that effect.

I want to tell these people that you have freedom. You have freedom of speech, freedom to own, freedom to not own as well and the freedom to live and die as you want. There are many in this world, and I'm one of them to be sure, who don't have this thing called freedom.

One, don't abuse this freedom and two, don't take it for granted.

How can someone give up beautiful freedom and rights because someone's pumping them with venom? You have the most resources. Use these to build your knowledge, get information. Don't make decisions based on racist attitudes or hateful lies. In the end, USA is your country and though I know that it's not my country but I know that I've always deeply cared about it.

So wise up America and make the right choice. Make your supporters proud USA!

I'm the loser now

Four years ago, you told me that you were just a loser and in the quest to stop making you feel like one, I ended up being one myself.

You're not a loser anymore, so that's good, right?

Big Thanks to Your Wife

The best method of getting rid of daughters in our society is to fob them off on someone else by getting them married. Another method, though popular but not much used due to legal repercussions, is simply offing the daughters (yes, that means killing them in cold blood).

It's much cheaper too since marrying off a daughter costs more, much much more.

If you're somewhat educated and your daughter just can't be got rid off, you try to get her work.

Nothing wrong with this last approach except that sometimes the daughter wants to work in one field while the parents just want her to go into 'safe' jobs like teaching.

It's said that on average in a school year, sometimes there are 3-4 new teachers (this is not an official statistic, there's no research on this in Pakistan; what did you expect?) for the same subject since the last one is getting married.

So teaching is a safe job; you take it and when your parents have snagged you a good proposal, you just leave it. Screw the students of course.

Since most schools pay between Rs. 5-10k (about $60-100 a month) depending on the person's qualifications, they don't care either and also because there are just no regulations for teachers and schools. The ladies that go for this also don't care because they're getting what's sometimes known as make up or dowry or trousseau money.

I've heard so many older women say, but why don't you go teach! You could make some gold jewellery with the money you get...

I would get rich if I got a penny every time I've heard this. Screw you old ladies!

Then there are other safe things to do while you're waiting for prince charming to ride in on his high horse *ahem* like cooking/baking classes, or knitting and stitching classes etc. Of course, nothing wrong again with any of these things except if you're not interested in any of these and above all in marriage, then its just plain stupidity. I don't mind learning but doing things just because you're bored until you get hitched? I just never got it.

So I discovered that to my great dismay and to the increase of my killer depression that the biggest reason my parents wanted me to come back to godforsaken Pakistan was to get me married. Now I must say my parents have never been any of the above type.

Soon enough I found out why they'd turned into these people that I know even less. I'm writing about all of this today because of this small incident that happened on the phone today.

When I was coming back, unfortunately, due to my parents insistence (and other things that are better left unsaid at this time) and my health, I failed to communicate with my University. I was in the process of working on my dissertation and also preparing for exams in April.

I was told that I could take the exam from back home and get better than just go back. For my lonely and sick being, these were just the most golden words and I suppose when you're sick, most things would seem true. I'm not going to go into the fact that I was kind of tricked, which is sneaky and mean but if your parents are the ones being sneaky and mean, it's a hundred times worse, maybe more.

I knew that completing the dissertation in the butt end of the world that is Peshawar, Pakistan wasn't possible. I went for a subject, which is just now taking off in the rest of the world and most people have only heard about back home but I thought okay, I'll be coming back in a couple of months so no problem.

So, forward some 7 months and here I am, dissertation-less and very very directionless and with all these extremely bad thoughts in my mind (kill, maim, destroy: yourself).

As it is, it's not that easy to find a proposal for someone like me, not that I wanted one to be found. I've simply refused to get married all these years. The world's been after my parents and I since I was 14 years old. I didn't know that at that time but when I came to know, I realized why people feel strongly about things like that.

Anyway, here I was talking to one of my uncles, one of the many people whom my parents have forwarded my resume so they can 'help' me get a job. Thanks.

He's telling me I don't need to worry, just take my subject list to the interview I have tomorrow morning. I got a bit confused. A subject list? Yes. I didn't have one on me but I said I'll get it off my University's site. So he's like why the hell do you not have it on you? By now I understood he meant my degree and not a subject list. So I was like, I told you, I'm working on my dissertation so I don't have a degree per se.

There I heard it. He got mad at me. I just don't understand why you people come back without degrees? You really did wrong to come back without completing your studies. Whose going to give you a job like that?

It's not like I didn't know any of these things and I wish my parents would stop helping me this way because I really think I'm at the brink. If I don't die then I don't know if I won't kill myself soon. I was upset with all that. I said, we had a financial situation and I just couldn't stay there. Thanks again.

What I couldn't say and what's a big fact is that it's all thanks to his wife that I had to come back. The lady that put it in my mother's head and eventually in my father's head that I was just wasting my time and the best thing that anyone in this fucked up world could do for me was to find me a husband.

I don't like crying but since the past few years, it's become a habit. It's not easy for me to cry but I do cry. Lately though, it's getting harder. I felt like crying then and I felt like saying, you should've asked your wife. Thanks to her, the time that I wasn't home, she managed to make my younger sister's life miserable too by telling the same to my mother.

My parents are not above the blame but I can't blame them because there's this whole society made of 170 million people that puts pressure on them about what's wrong and right for their daughters or their kids.

I've never felt so stuck, so useless, so pitiable and self destructive as I did today. I just couldn't say, please thank your wife for me.

If I meet my uncle tomorrow, which is a possibility, I'll tell him that but I know I'll lose my nerve. I always say, no more miss nice girl but then I just can't.

Just end up hurting myself. So I still feel like I should weep or cry but I can't. It's just making me hoarse. Maybe I'm just a loser now.