Thursday, November 20, 2008

And so...

...I finally came to a decision.

I had to but what drove me to the proper conclusion of my life's chapters until this point were a few things and I like to give credit where it's due.

First, I thankfully signed into blogger this morning right before I had to make a big commitment and here was a comment on my previous blog from Tuishimi (would I be wrong in saying he's a great friend?) and I realized that I did have to lay it all out on the table for me. I had to think about myself as long as it didn't hurt anyone.

Then a few things happened and I knew for sure what I had to do. I wasn't feeling confused; I wasn't feeling like the world was imploding beneath me anymore.

There comes a time in one's life when one has to make a choice and it's not just for oneself but also for others because one thing that I've learnt in life is that our choices do affect others whether we accept that or not.

There comes a time in one's life when one has to leave everything behind and start over/anew or just plain start somewhere.

This opportunity couldn't have come at a better time.

I feel sorry to say this now but for a couple of months, I've been planning to end everything before new year's eve. The low points (no singulars here) that I'd hit, not even snagging a bottom or at least something that would help me not slip off further was just not happening.

Self pitying and self loathing became so commonplace, it was just like second nature. Not wanting to do anything and waiting for someone to come and change my world was all I did do (because in the first instance, it did change for worse due to people; but on the other hand, I wonder how and why I gave them such complete rights over myself that it had to come to that).

It's not easy to want to end ones life. Planning it is even worse. I realized this morning that if I wanted to live beyond this December, wanted to not be a part of the non coveted 27 club, then I just had to make a change.

I also feel like I've burdened everyone with my presence far too long and it's time to give others a time out as well. The way I am right now, even I don't want to be near myself. I don't expect any better from my family, friends or the people in general.

I suppose it boosted my confidence to find out that I'd been called for an interview at a great company. Then I got a further ego boost when I got the job offer the very next day.

The only problem was whether I should or could move to another city especially a city that people from my city consider as a fast, heathen city full of sins and colors. Ah! Lahore, the city of my childhood, the cultural capital of Pakistan, the centre of modern drug usage for the refined.

So much negativity: where are you going to live; good for you; good on you; it's too far; why don't you teach, it's safe for 'ladies' (so condescending) ad infinitum ad nauseum.

Such a storm in my mind. So much conflict of interests for everyone else except me. It's about me but I don't figure anywhere. It becomes about everyone else's ego. Relatives from Karachi to Gilgit, from Massachusetts, USA to Birmingham, UK weigh in on it.
Then I read the message and I thought, this is nothing if not from God and God does channel through His people.

Being the least superstitious person in the world, I don't look for signs but today I did and I found them in places where I wasn't even looking.

I've said yes and soon I leave this city of love and hate.

Maybe things will be worse or maybe they'll be better or maybe they'll be the same but I won't be here to bother anyone and I won't have things bothering me. The nomad soul is restless anyway.

I won't have to turn corners thinking here's this memory and that. Worst of all, I'm too weak physically and emotionally to take anymore emotional abuse from things, people and (even) inanimate objects.

Never wanted to commit suicide, no. Never wanted to go like a coward and a fool.

Perhaps, now is my chance to redeem that never again.


Tuishimi said...

I'd hug you if I could. Good for you!

Tuishimi said...

Just doing some research on Lahore. Sounds like a wonderful city! Weather is right on par with Phoenix too. Maybe gets a little hotter here in the summer.

Has a ton of history... and it is a HUGE city.

Wikipedia has lots of nice things to say about it. ;)

Sounds like there is lots of good eating there too, except for the American Fast Food chains that have proliferated... (with the exception of Dunkin Donuts, I approve of that - they DO still make the best coffee no matter what).

Anyway, "the city of gardens" sounds very nice, and a good place for you to grow into yourself. :)