Sunday, December 21, 2008

Down Again

I've been away for some time now. Don't have my PC here. Still haven't found a place for myself so I'm getting on the nerves (I think, they deny) of the people I'm living with (very good family friends).

There's no Internet access for us (as in the new hires) for now and I don't want to be caught on blogger in the office anyway.

It's been tiring but fruitful. I'm learning new things. They're not just about the workplace but generally so much. I feel like a small town girl (not a good feeling) but I'm integrating (or pretending to?) quite well.

Of course, among all the great big positives that should make one feel like flying is that one nagging little negative that brings one down.

I'm coming close to the date of 1 year and the dread that's unfolding in my heart feels palpable in the night, when I've only got my thoughts to sleep with.

It's too bad that I can't go anywhere because I've to follow the rules of the house I live in. Living here hasn't been bad but I've discovered some things, which I had rather not.

Sometimes I feel like I'll throw up with the burden of secrets I have to keep now.

I'm beginning to hate myself a little again.

As I think about the one year anniversary coming up, I can't help but go over all the mistakes I made. Dumb mistakes, stupid, childish mistakes.

On the other hand, I've realized that if someone didn't want something, they'd reject it just because they didn't want it no matter how perfect it was. You might try to point out mistakes in that perfect thing, just for your satisfaction that perhaps you didn't do it right but it's not that.

Life is presenting me with unprecedented difficult choices and I'm as confused as you Mother. In fact, I know you're more confused than I am or ever could be.

You still asked me if I missed him. I don't know how to thank you for all your kindnesses. I can't ever thank you enough. I can't even begin to thank you for forgiving me so easily.

You are my mother and you love me and we fight with each other and you still love me.

He wasn't my mother. He couldn't stay. His mother is not you, mother. No one's mother is you, mother.

I miss you but when I'm with you, I hide in my shame.

My heart dies every time I can't say it out loud that I'm dying and I'm sorry I didn't tell you.

Tonight when I saw this picture from a Christmas party, shining, smiling faces, it made my heart wither. I go like a widow in this life.

I wonder why?

Why can't I feel anything when someone looks at me nicely? Nothing in me responds anymore. I've died before my actual death.

When I think how all that will come down on you mother, it kills me more. I never want you to forgive me because I neither deserve forgiveness nor love. I don't deserve kindness. I deserve all the punishment I can get. I deserve the burdens of people's secrets. I deserve the coldest and the hottest hell fires.

Sometimes by my stupid mistakes, I find that no one cares and I don't know why I get hurt. I know that but every time I find it again, I get hurt all over again.

You care mother. You care.

No one else does. I'm not their anything.

Why do I care then if it's so simple?

Maybe I'm just mad.

I'm hoping that the act of making cauliflower with the utmost love and affection would get me a punishment that's unbelievable. Cauliflower that he didn't like.

Did I repel him? My air? Perhaps my everything.

So may nothing of me be left in this world. The repulsive being be gone from this world, far far away.

Mother, I only hope that you will forgive me.

5 comments:

Tuishimi said...

What awful thing did some man do to you. :(

Girl Khan said...

Some man brought me death when I didn't need it.

Tuishimi said...

Fight through the muck like God would... you'll make it through!

Anonymous said...

my heart is with you dear..I was reading in your blog, and I share many sadness with you..
salam from saudi..

Girl Khan said...

Thank you. You're very kind. Keep me in your prayers.