Saturday, March 14, 2009

Dynamic Performances

Well, it's amazing how some people get so used to losing that they think it's the only way and when life presents chances to them, they go on and lose again.

I don't know how many chances I've been presented with and how many more I'll get before I go, but I'm sure I won't be able to count them. I've been a train wreck that I have watched as an out of body experience, hovering first, above myself and then watching from the sidelines as I've rolled, turned, crashed and finally come to a halt.

I must say I didn't like it at all. The terrible thing is the loneliness and how it's gnawed at me all this time. I hate being alone. I hate that I'm alone and I have to whine about it to no one in particular.

Worse than that I hated that I got back to the person I loved more dearly than life and he sent me a birthday present and then told me that we just couldn't be together. So what am I supposed to do with the present? I don't understand. I've tried and thought about it.

Why do people follow you, make you believe they love you, make you fall for them and then just up and leave giving the dumbest reasons.

You're older than I am.
We don't have the same beliefs.
My family doesn't know yours.

Why don't people ever think things through before they kill a person's feelings and their hope for living? I gathered the strength to forgive and forget and just be happy in the last moments and what do I get?

He asked me to marry him but then told me that he couldn't. I have been asking myself if I ever asked him the same question or if I expected him. I just simply wished to be with him.

At the end of the day, I'm only left with questions about myself: Am I ugly? Am I really that old? Am I not worth anything? Am I stupid? What are my beliefs when I've never forced them on anyone? Am I not enough as a person, as a human being? What are my faults?

Am I so useless that I can be rejected with the most foolish three reasons ever?

Why didn't you think about this before you started following me around? Why didn't you tell yourself that when you ruined my vacation in Malaysia? I went to get better but I only thought about what you said to me.

Why did you remember all your reasons after so many years?

Questions. Questions. Questions.

What is wrong with me? Is it because I'm dying? Do people really leave those who are dying? Is it fair?

I stuck by him. I never asked for anything. I never said, commit to me, never said, buy me a diamond ring, never asked for gifts. Is it because I never asked for anything?

People are such liars. They say they don't want the high maintenance ones but they always go for them. You told me that you would never be with anyone else but one of these days you will.

What about me? I don't even have time to start over. I can't bring so many years back. The investment has all gone down the drain. There are no returns. I'll be dying lonely.

How much have I lost? Everything. My ego, my self confidence, my esteem, my honor.

People say they don't like games but they lie. Everyone plays games. The straight arrows lose. If you don't ask for anything, you've sold yourself short, if you ask for something, you're a hussy.

You just ask for love. That's too much to ask in God's lovely world of hatred and deception. Ask for a bullet and you'll get it. In this world, where an animal is dearer than a human being; your own blood is thinner than water.

Why did I love? Why did I bow down? I don't have the heart to swallow injustice anymore. It's at bursting point.

I'm done giving a tough performance of pretending not to be hurt. But I'm hurt. I'm so very hurt. I might be dying but I don't care. I care that I'm dying alone. I care that I won't get another chance.

I care that I don't know and I'm lost. You told me that you found me but for what?

Was it all just a show? I want to know why. I asked you but you say you don't have an answer.

'We can't be together'.

4 comments:

Tuishimi said...

People can be jerks. That sounds like a teenage romance... the way he treated you.

FWIW, I was 31 when I met my wife-to-be, married at 32, children years after that.

Girl Khan said...

It took me a very very long time to trust someone in that way. It's just that I'm so confused. I don't know what I want and need anymore. When I say that I'm lost, I am not saying that metaphorically but I really am.

Tuishimi said...

If you ever need to chat, I have a zillion ways you can reach me.

Yahoo: candiazoo
MSN: candiazoo@mac.com
AOL: mosura
Apple: candiazoo@mac.com
google: candiazoo@gmail.com

I even have ICQ if you want that.

Girl Khan said...

I have sent you an invite on your gmail address.