Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Lost Lamb

After spending a week in Lahore, I came back home for the Eid holiday. There's no doubt in my mind, at least for now, that I made a good decision and that I have a good job.

But there's something wrong. It went wrong when I moved to England.

Tonight I want to admit to myself that I didn't move for studies but moved for love.

I made a fool out of myself and I lost myself.

Something went wrong. I stopped being with my friends; I stopped responding. I didn't want to. I didn't even realize if I did or didn't.

I thought I'd found some direction but I became directionless. I thought I discovered myself but I lost so much that I can not ever recover, least of all the time that has slipped through my fingers.

I didn't build myself a hermitage but I did live in one. I drifted so aimlessly that it's going to take me some time to find myself.

I lost my home.

I lost and lost and lost.

I didn't even gain any significant wisdom, just bitterness and a thought that I would not be loving again.

More thoughts that I would never have children. The thought of them abhors me and I love them and want to protect them but my own children shall never be.

For a brief period of time, I felt like a woman. I wanted to be settled, I wanted to have kids. That was like a big stain on my mind. I don't know how I removed that stain. I'll never have children.

Someone might force me to get married but no one will ever be able to force me to have children.

I drifted like a ghost in the world's busiest city. I wept stupidly on the bank of the Thames. I wanted to jump in but I didn't want to ruin my expensive business suit.

I wondered if I was just making excuses to continue a stupid existence.

I still wonder.

I didn't use so many I's then because I was gone and it seems now as if someone else controlled me.

Whom had I become then? How did I reach that place?

I lost myself with help but ultimately it was I that lost me.

Sitting lost on New Street Station, weeping quietly and looking for that one familiar face, which I would never find, I was like a lamb. The guards looked into my eyes and so wouldn't confront me.

No one acknowledges lost lambs. There's no one to lead a lamb anymore.

So I'm in a new big city. I'm still lost. I think I've found my anchor by seeing so many things in the first week that told me to be a child.

Be a stupid child and something inside me told me to pray or else I'll be lost forever. I can crawl on all four and walk blind but at least be in the right direction.

Something is telling me to find my faith and maybe that will give me legs to stand on again.

Everything is wrong and I'm not going to try to make it right anymore because I can't.

I don't know if I can ever be sure that I was the only one in love but nowadays, I suddenly discover something and it tells me that I was.

I'm standing somewhere and I'm fine and then I'll start crying and realize I was never loved but something wants me to say it out loud that at least you've been loved. I was the one who loved you.

Now I don't know what love is. I'm confused and I tell myself that maybe I did not.

I blame myself because I get confused. I didn't do this or I didn't do that. Maybe I should have ruined myself further and put myself through more trials than I did. Maybe then I wouldn't be an image of the person I used to be.

I'm not sure at all anymore. I know that I forgave but I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself.

I don't think I can, when I murdered my dreams in connivance with the person who claimed to love me.

All I know is that I'm still a lost lamb. What I don't know is if I'm a lamb lost forever and for good or if I can be found.

I feel bad for the lost lamb that is me. Between pot smokers and acid trippers and drinkers and people who think they're prostitutes and people to whom I've to prove that I'm asexual, I feel like I will reach new heights of madness...

If only I start praying again, I won't.

The only thing that stops me is the fear of finding myself.

And the thought of the fear when I stop loving you.

Because when I do stop loving the fool that I loved is the day I will lose the small fight for life I've got left in my bones. My lungs won't ache with the effort to draw in life.

The fear is because I don't want to die. I haven't even felt loved.

I wish you would have loved me. I begged you, I think, I did.

Too bad it doesn't matter anymore.

I wanted to be like you and maybe a part of me will. I enjoy the fantasizing about exercising power over people who are fools like I used to be; people who think they're going to get me like someone actually did.

Lost lamb or should I be lost wolf in sheep's clothing? So I need faith to help me. I need faith to stop me from being a monster that I love and loathe because I won't have the same feelings if the monster is me.

I'm asking for faith.

So please God, return me to my faith. Today, I'm begging You for Your love.

I was wrong to beg stupid humans. They're all like me. Forgive me and grant me that I love only You. Protect me from sin and help me to not hurt anyone.

Take my life sooner if I ever come near to hurting someone like I was.

Lead the lost lamb to Your mercy and love.

Lead the lost lamb to Yourself God.

Save my soul and spread the dust of my body everywhere so that it touches your dust and mixes with it finally and try as you might, you can't separate it from yourself.

I loved you more than my life and gave what wasn't mine to give; perhaps being lost is punishment and perhaps I should take it.

The only thing that I ask for again is to have my soul saved because it used to belong to a good person even if that person is dead.

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