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I am dead

On to the reason I am here... as usual to take out my frustrations where I know my family won't find out. Back home, my blog was banned. I don't know why. I think it was a countrywide ban but somehow when the ban was lifted, mine was still banned. That's one reason why I couldn't post anything here until I was there. I was pissed off at that but now I'm happy. It's not that anyone knows about my blog but I still wouldn't want them stumbling over it. I hate the Internet, I really do. I had to remove my name, when I read all these articles about employers doing searches on the Internet and then not giving you jobs etc. There's no freedom of information. That's all a load of bollocks (as the English so rightly put it).

Anyway, I am dead. My words are dead and I am dying too. It's good. It's good to shout that into the anonymity of the world wide web.

HEY WORLD! I AM DYING!

Woo hoo! I guess that shows how good I am at dramatics. When words and feelings die, so does a person so this 'I am going to die' thing is just crap, crap, crap! I am already dead. I hate the bed because it will never be as comfortable as a grave. It doesn't have the vermin that will eat my flesh. I hate the covers because they don't feel like the shroud will soon cover me. I hate the blanket because it's not like tonnes of mud that will be piled on top of me. No, it's just not the same. Thus, the insomnia. Not that I fear death and wonder what is on the other side. I want to burn in hell for everything I didn't do. Yes, you got that right: everything I did NOT do. When a person is dead and living a hell everyday, what difference would other hells make? Cold? Hot? What does it matter? It's all been always the same to me.

Meet the Maker you say? What will He say to me? You were a hopeless coward. You never prayed. You didn't ask. How should I ask you my Lord? How? I did. I did everytime.

Now, I am dead dead dead.

Bloggeriffic!

Visited blogger after a long time, as usual, to vent my feelings and found some pleasant changes to the format. I didn't change my template but changed the layouts. Found comments by old friends: Hello Tuishimi! I miss you! Hey dasfunkyt! How are you?

I think my blog looks a bit more presentable now. I like it just a bit better now. The only thing I feel bad about is that I can't write anymore. The words have died on my fingers or lips or whatever it is.

Harrumph!

In any society, if one wants to get respected, they need to be able to command respect. To command respect, one needs to respect oneself. Second, one needs to respect their roots, their culture and to be able to identify with it if not agree with it. Third, it is important that same respect is shown to others and their qualities are not just admired (admiration is but just idol worship) but imitated. We think some qualities are inimitable and thus, don't adopt them for fear of being labeled clones or on the other extreme we harrumph when someone is different.

101

Ah! I hadn't realized I'd reached the ultimate mark of 100 posts after almost 4 years on Blogger. Wow! Goes to show my extreme activity. Why is it that I always post here after I'm totally depressed? And why am I writing like a teenager nowadays?

I will return gallantly after exams! Write my story since I have been A.W.O.L. Now back to my (next to nothing) studies!

Oh this is post 101 btw.

Madar (Mother)-Nashenas

A very beautiful song. Someone made a compilation on YouTube to go with it as a video. I miss my mom. Brought tears to my eyes.

Stop Motion Life

Found this really amazing stop motion animation by some unknown talent on Break.com. I give it 5 stars, not just for being talented but for innovation. Check it out to see what I mean.

In other news, I'm bored and depressed. I want to return to photography. I want to get in touch with things around me. I DON'T want to be depressed. I never knew I could be homesick. When I think of home, my mother, my sisters, dad, my brother, aunties, cousins, friends, it brings tears to my eyes. I haven't been this childish since I was 7.

Sometimes, I think I should run away from my room and this city. Leave my cell phone and just take some money. And it's a shame but once or twice I contemplated a sin (okay, I'll be honest, I was thinking along the lines of suicide).

I know I'm despairing and I'm trying not to but I can't help it. I realized that I was being a fool when I realized this morning that my exams are going to start from 15th January and I don't have much time left to study. So I'll have to kill my behind if I ever want to get a distinction. A distinction would mean I'll be able to get a good job that would pay for my fees that I haven't been able to pay. So many things to think and worry about. How can I study then? How can I not be depressed...

Hopefully, I'll feel better in a couple of days. Sometimes, it's good to have a financial kick in the butt. I have been begging for a scholarship (begging is the word for the way the ladies at the International Office treated me :D) from the University but they think that I must have some rich hordes stashed away at home. If that were true! Where's Aladdin's magical lamp???

Hahaha!