Friday, November 21, 2003

Giving Up The Ghost

Love has always been a stranger to me.
Watch, as love passes me by. I can see those doves flying above the neighbor’s house. Three of them. I want some too. My head hurts as usual. I cannot look at the sky. Flowers that I can touch. In the night. In the darkness. The dark is not sheer due to the full moon. It is shining. How did I land into the night out of the day?

Does anyone know the size of my heart?

I am watching I am listening. Somewhere there is this emptiness. Maybe it is inside my heart. I am watching myself in the window. The car is moving fast. The road. It is long. On both sides golden reeds. The light reflecting off the road. Yes, we are all alone in the universe.
I am moving in circles that are infinitesimally concentric until I fall in upon myself. I am so tired. I want something but I do not know what it is. I am hungry and thirsty but it is not water that I want. It is not food that I crave.

I am watching myself fall. The white clothes that I wear flutter as I spread my arms to feel. I wanted to feel. Why couldn’t I ever feel anything that was real? Where is the reality in falling out of the sky? Then you connect with the earth so suddenly and your last image of life is the blue sky. No more doves. Emptiness that is finally real. Maybe blood is flowing out of my mouth and even my head where it connected with the ground. Freefalling objects from an empty blue sky. The thump of something solid falling and hitting ground. That is ground zero for you. Yes sir! Ground zero. Somewhere in the distance, maybe it is the firecrackers going off. The distance is so immense. You are not as far as the poles. You are not as far as the moon. You are farther then the farthest stars. We stand as far as the opposite corners of the universe.

And we are both so alone.

Don’t be sad. I will kiss you.

Do you also feel the emptiness creep out of you sometimes? Some times, you also want to look at the sun. Some times, you also want to go blind. You also wanted things you could not get. Why do we always want thing we cannot get?

I am running after the car. Then I stop because I cannot run. I cannot breathe. Breathing is so difficult. That is why I have stopped running. Not because I have given up.

Circumstances sometimes stop us. Why are they like this for us?

I was wondering at the stars. Sitting under the sky thinking maybe I would know where you were. I never thought you were with me from the beginning. Maybe this is also written in my genes. Or maybe it is because we are both made of stardust.

Is it because of this that even through this distance we can feel each other? Is this really feeling? Or is it deception like everything else?

The mind plays so many tricks on us. I am watching clouds form into faces and battle scenes and birds and flowers. I am ready to die one moment and ready to be reborn another.

I die one moment. And another moment I am born again.

Why don’t I die for once? Is death that easy or that difficult? Does life love me or do I love life. Will I ever know?

In my mind, you had the answer to my questions. I thought you carried something for me in your pocket that would make this hunger go away.
I turn away laughing but I turn away only to hide tears of disappointment. Please take that hand out of your pocket. It made me anticipate so much.

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