I will let it go...

I came to realize today that other than being a chronic asthmatic for life, I might be suffering from hearing and sight problems too. Received an email from our housing company respresentative pointing to some such problems with me when she writes that it has been denied (quite vehemently, I'm sure ) by the very decent and great people who DID NOT make any racist comments (I must be crazy to have alleged that against such angels) that they DID NOT make ANY comments.

On top of all that, a claim from one of these angels is that he's from Pakistan. I'm sure that since I'm wrong about so many things, he must be right. Afterall, it's me who has been proved wrong (and most probably a liar) so how can I be right?

I'm not going to be cynical about it anymore. What else can I do anyway? I don't have any proof except to trust my senses. I must be a lesser human being for I was not even called to see these angels face to face.

What shall I do now? I will let it go. There is no justice in this world. I will get over it, soon forget about it too but the angels who DID NOT do ANYTHING will always remember what they did.

Speechless

I shifted to the United Kingdom at the end of September and it wasn't such a transition, I wonder why... The real shock came after I had to face racism and abusive behavior from some of my fellow students.

Why am I writing about it here? This is like my diary (not a very secret one) and one sure does feel better putting down feelings in ones diary.

I'm also hoping for some such thing because I'm shocked beyond imagination after that incident. I feel strange as if some inner part of me, that was before this untouchable, has been violated and my self esteem damaged. This happened on 29th October, 2006 and despite letting my University know, nothing has been done. I'm not even sure if I want anything done. I'm torn between two things: one is (or was in the light of more recent incidents involving these people) that I don't want the students involved to be damaged and the other one is my bruised self, which thinks that it's at lease necessary for those people to know that they've hurt me.

What made it worse is being threatened in a veiled way. How should I take these threats in a strange country thousands of miles away from my home and parents? Some people have been trying to console me by saying that since I'm from Pakistan so I should not find this very strange. Since I was born there and spent 25 years of my life in that country, I have never once been threatened by anyone nor made fun of.

Am I weak? Have I lost my confidence in me?

It's not about that. I'm not weak. I'm brave. I'm confident but I feel vulnerable. I've always looked down upon racism as the worst form of human behavior but only now have I actually felt it and found how much it hurts, how it tries to maim your personality. It made me think about myself. Do I look fundamentally different from the people who were making fun of me? Are my parents (whom they were abusing in that tirade) any different from theirs? Do we eat different food? Come from a different planet?

Even animals are treated nicely by human beings but you can sometimes expect those same human beings to be stupid and mean in a way that can not be explained.

I feel hurt. I feel very hurt. I feel upset. I can't explain my feelings and no one understands.