Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Speechless

I shifted to the United Kingdom at the end of September and it wasn't such a transition, I wonder why... The real shock came after I had to face racism and abusive behavior from some of my fellow students.

Why am I writing about it here? This is like my diary (not a very secret one) and one sure does feel better putting down feelings in ones diary.

I'm also hoping for some such thing because I'm shocked beyond imagination after that incident. I feel strange as if some inner part of me, that was before this untouchable, has been violated and my self esteem damaged. This happened on 29th October, 2006 and despite letting my University know, nothing has been done. I'm not even sure if I want anything done. I'm torn between two things: one is (or was in the light of more recent incidents involving these people) that I don't want the students involved to be damaged and the other one is my bruised self, which thinks that it's at lease necessary for those people to know that they've hurt me.

What made it worse is being threatened in a veiled way. How should I take these threats in a strange country thousands of miles away from my home and parents? Some people have been trying to console me by saying that since I'm from Pakistan so I should not find this very strange. Since I was born there and spent 25 years of my life in that country, I have never once been threatened by anyone nor made fun of.

Am I weak? Have I lost my confidence in me?

It's not about that. I'm not weak. I'm brave. I'm confident but I feel vulnerable. I've always looked down upon racism as the worst form of human behavior but only now have I actually felt it and found how much it hurts, how it tries to maim your personality. It made me think about myself. Do I look fundamentally different from the people who were making fun of me? Are my parents (whom they were abusing in that tirade) any different from theirs? Do we eat different food? Come from a different planet?

Even animals are treated nicely by human beings but you can sometimes expect those same human beings to be stupid and mean in a way that can not be explained.

I feel hurt. I feel very hurt. I feel upset. I can't explain my feelings and no one understands.

1 comment:

Mike J. said...

Yikes! :( That is terrible, and not very mature. I am sorry that you (or anyone for that matter) has to go through something like that. You think as you grow older, everyone around you grows more mature and the selfish, clique-ish games that were played when you were a child, have been abandoned in favor of acceptance and the persuit of things more noble.