I am dead

On to the reason I am here... as usual to take out my frustrations where I know my family won't find out. Back home, my blog was banned. I don't know why. I think it was a countrywide ban but somehow when the ban was lifted, mine was still banned. That's one reason why I couldn't post anything here until I was there. I was pissed off at that but now I'm happy. It's not that anyone knows about my blog but I still wouldn't want them stumbling over it. I hate the Internet, I really do. I had to remove my name, when I read all these articles about employers doing searches on the Internet and then not giving you jobs etc. There's no freedom of information. That's all a load of bollocks (as the English so rightly put it).

Anyway, I am dead. My words are dead and I am dying too. It's good. It's good to shout that into the anonymity of the world wide web.

HEY WORLD! I AM DYING!

Woo hoo! I guess that shows how good I am at dramatics. When words and feelings die, so does a person so this 'I am going to die' thing is just crap, crap, crap! I am already dead. I hate the bed because it will never be as comfortable as a grave. It doesn't have the vermin that will eat my flesh. I hate the covers because they don't feel like the shroud will soon cover me. I hate the blanket because it's not like tonnes of mud that will be piled on top of me. No, it's just not the same. Thus, the insomnia. Not that I fear death and wonder what is on the other side. I want to burn in hell for everything I didn't do. Yes, you got that right: everything I did NOT do. When a person is dead and living a hell everyday, what difference would other hells make? Cold? Hot? What does it matter? It's all been always the same to me.

Meet the Maker you say? What will He say to me? You were a hopeless coward. You never prayed. You didn't ask. How should I ask you my Lord? How? I did. I did everytime.

Now, I am dead dead dead.

Bloggeriffic!

Visited blogger after a long time, as usual, to vent my feelings and found some pleasant changes to the format. I didn't change my template but changed the layouts. Found comments by old friends: Hello Tuishimi! I miss you! Hey dasfunkyt! How are you?

I think my blog looks a bit more presentable now. I like it just a bit better now. The only thing I feel bad about is that I can't write anymore. The words have died on my fingers or lips or whatever it is.

Harrumph!

In any society, if one wants to get respected, they need to be able to command respect. To command respect, one needs to respect oneself. Second, one needs to respect their roots, their culture and to be able to identify with it if not agree with it. Third, it is important that same respect is shown to others and their qualities are not just admired (admiration is but just idol worship) but imitated. We think some qualities are inimitable and thus, don't adopt them for fear of being labeled clones or on the other extreme we harrumph when someone is different.

101

Ah! I hadn't realized I'd reached the ultimate mark of 100 posts after almost 4 years on Blogger. Wow! Goes to show my extreme activity. Why is it that I always post here after I'm totally depressed? And why am I writing like a teenager nowadays?

I will return gallantly after exams! Write my story since I have been A.W.O.L. Now back to my (next to nothing) studies!

Oh this is post 101 btw.

Madar (Mother)-Nashenas

A very beautiful song. Someone made a compilation on YouTube to go with it as a video. I miss my mom. Brought tears to my eyes.

Stop Motion Life

Found this really amazing stop motion animation by some unknown talent on Break.com. I give it 5 stars, not just for being talented but for innovation. Check it out to see what I mean.

In other news, I'm bored and depressed. I want to return to photography. I want to get in touch with things around me. I DON'T want to be depressed. I never knew I could be homesick. When I think of home, my mother, my sisters, dad, my brother, aunties, cousins, friends, it brings tears to my eyes. I haven't been this childish since I was 7.

Sometimes, I think I should run away from my room and this city. Leave my cell phone and just take some money. And it's a shame but once or twice I contemplated a sin (okay, I'll be honest, I was thinking along the lines of suicide).

I know I'm despairing and I'm trying not to but I can't help it. I realized that I was being a fool when I realized this morning that my exams are going to start from 15th January and I don't have much time left to study. So I'll have to kill my behind if I ever want to get a distinction. A distinction would mean I'll be able to get a good job that would pay for my fees that I haven't been able to pay. So many things to think and worry about. How can I study then? How can I not be depressed...

Hopefully, I'll feel better in a couple of days. Sometimes, it's good to have a financial kick in the butt. I have been begging for a scholarship (begging is the word for the way the ladies at the International Office treated me :D) from the University but they think that I must have some rich hordes stashed away at home. If that were true! Where's Aladdin's magical lamp???

Hahaha!

I will let it go...

I came to realize today that other than being a chronic asthmatic for life, I might be suffering from hearing and sight problems too. Received an email from our housing company respresentative pointing to some such problems with me when she writes that it has been denied (quite vehemently, I'm sure ) by the very decent and great people who DID NOT make any racist comments (I must be crazy to have alleged that against such angels) that they DID NOT make ANY comments.

On top of all that, a claim from one of these angels is that he's from Pakistan. I'm sure that since I'm wrong about so many things, he must be right. Afterall, it's me who has been proved wrong (and most probably a liar) so how can I be right?

I'm not going to be cynical about it anymore. What else can I do anyway? I don't have any proof except to trust my senses. I must be a lesser human being for I was not even called to see these angels face to face.

What shall I do now? I will let it go. There is no justice in this world. I will get over it, soon forget about it too but the angels who DID NOT do ANYTHING will always remember what they did.

Speechless

I shifted to the United Kingdom at the end of September and it wasn't such a transition, I wonder why... The real shock came after I had to face racism and abusive behavior from some of my fellow students.

Why am I writing about it here? This is like my diary (not a very secret one) and one sure does feel better putting down feelings in ones diary.

I'm also hoping for some such thing because I'm shocked beyond imagination after that incident. I feel strange as if some inner part of me, that was before this untouchable, has been violated and my self esteem damaged. This happened on 29th October, 2006 and despite letting my University know, nothing has been done. I'm not even sure if I want anything done. I'm torn between two things: one is (or was in the light of more recent incidents involving these people) that I don't want the students involved to be damaged and the other one is my bruised self, which thinks that it's at lease necessary for those people to know that they've hurt me.

What made it worse is being threatened in a veiled way. How should I take these threats in a strange country thousands of miles away from my home and parents? Some people have been trying to console me by saying that since I'm from Pakistan so I should not find this very strange. Since I was born there and spent 25 years of my life in that country, I have never once been threatened by anyone nor made fun of.

Am I weak? Have I lost my confidence in me?

It's not about that. I'm not weak. I'm brave. I'm confident but I feel vulnerable. I've always looked down upon racism as the worst form of human behavior but only now have I actually felt it and found how much it hurts, how it tries to maim your personality. It made me think about myself. Do I look fundamentally different from the people who were making fun of me? Are my parents (whom they were abusing in that tirade) any different from theirs? Do we eat different food? Come from a different planet?

Even animals are treated nicely by human beings but you can sometimes expect those same human beings to be stupid and mean in a way that can not be explained.

I feel hurt. I feel very hurt. I feel upset. I can't explain my feelings and no one understands.

Editor fired after publication of Islam cartoons - Europe - MSNBC.com

Editor fired after publication of Islam cartoons - Europe - MSNBC.com

Don't have anything to say except that there's supposed to be a limit to everything. Does freedom of speech mean letting go of morality? Is it ethical? That's the issue. Does being secular give one the right to play with the sentiments of another who might be religious? When it's the opposite, we all go crazy. What's up with that?

Soon I got used to the darkness inside.

Tonight has been another one of those sleepless nights. Sitting in the darkness, without the fan, then walking around different parts inside the house without making noise and certainly, I'm good at it. Being a heavyweight but lightfoot for sure.

I have this sad embarrassment in my heart. I mostly hurt the people who love me. It's something I used to deny but let's face it. I'm like that. I question all intentions. Is it the inherent negativity in me? I don't know what I want from the people who love me. Do I want love or is it the fear of losing it that makes me hurt them so that I don't have any attachment to them in case I lose them, which would in turn cause me hurt.

My throat seems like it has been sandpapered. My lips are parched. I didn't cry or scream or weep. I'm taking water, swig after swig... I'm still thirsty. I do feel the need to use the lip balm but I'm too tired to do that. Why am I always tired?

There are many questions that one asks but hides from the answers because the answers are well known. Or one might be too cowardly to face those answers or one just asks those questions because one might want to look great in one's own eyes or even less.